If diamond engagement rings were giant flat screen TV’s instead.
Gender norms and hetero-normative nonsense are always funny.
Dear future husband,
I’d rather drag a gigantic big screen tv into the office.
Me, your future wife
I will propose to her with a TV.
New episode of my podcast “I Seem Fun” is up!
Jen sits in bed to talk to you about hotels, motels, the first time you stay in one, she reviews a reviewer’s review that she hates, and reads some emails from people who find Disneyland fun.
Listening to Jen Kirkman tell me not to correct her for an hour is the best part of my week, by far. Highly Recommended.
With no big comedy club in town, how has the local comedy scene managed to flourish?
I was highlighted in the weekly Alibi this week alongside Sarah K. for our DIY comedy/producing. Check it!
How to be Intimidating to Potential Suitors (and Everyone)
In this recent Jezebel article, writer Tracy Moore noted all the reasons why Sluts are better friends. Well, I think it’d be in everyone’s best interest if there was a companion list noting all the reasons why actually being a slut is a perfectly acceptable use of time. Who better to write the list than this slut bag?
1. It forces you to be more responsible.
This sounds counter-intuitive, but if you’re leaving the house knowing you could be horny by the end of the night you had better pack a condom (or dental dam), extra pair of underwear, and contact sollution in that clutch of yours, girl. Not to mention, it might inform your outfit decision. When you look into your closet think about both utility and fashion. Can you easily sleep in these highwaisted sailor shorts or would it be more comfy to wear a flowy dress? And of course, every slut’s needs are different. What works for me will not necessarily work for you.
2. It makes you better at small talk.
Yeah, so maybe you wake up the next morning and feel slightly less attracted to the person you’re lying next to. Fine, fair enough. The hormones have worn off with the bright morning sunlight. It happens. How do you get yourself out of that situation? It takes awhile to develop that ability to assess and attack an awkward morning after.
The best one-night-stand situation I’ve ever been in, the guy just started showing me videos from this comedy series called, "The Morning After" and then we went to breakfast. Perfecto.
Of course, not all one-night-stand sex partners are gonna be as hilarious and amazing and you might wanna get the hell out of there. That’s totally fine. You put in a long, hard (that’s what she said) night of work. Mama needs some alone time. Being able to bow out gracefully is slut-trick number one. Ask them about themselves, maybe make a plan to go bowling. Weird, and you’ll never follow through on it. Grab your undies and go.
3. You know your money is always well-spent.
Protection? Check. Vodka drink? Check. Purple lipstick? Check.
4. Girl, the stories.
As a time hardened slut-monster, I have stories ranging from the intensity of needing to be saved from a predatory straight couple trying to get me into bed to the hem-haw of accidentally sleeping with an ex.
I mean, you can do what you want with these stories whether you wanna shit-talk at parties, (not necessarily recommended) write them into a Sex and the City-ish column, or just purse your lips with the knowledge of your unique treasure trove of experiences. A variety of experiences is useful so that we better know our bodies and what makes us reach the climax we so deserve.
Practice makes perfect, you god-damned Victoria’s Secret Angel. You’re probably really good at sex. Or at the very least, you know a lot of different ways to go about sex so you can adjust based on the partner. Now that’s what I call empowering.
5. You’re a better ally to women.
When you’re out getting a lot of sex, it makes you think about the words you choose to use. So, next time you’re at a bar, you’re probably going to be less likely to shame another girl for simply looking “promiscuous.” As a fellow slut you know that there’s much more than meets the eye. You know that sexual power and energy are things to be celebrated, not diminished.
6. Self respect.
Being someone who is sexually empowered doesn’t mean that you’re just going to throw yourself at the nearest dick (or vag.) It means that when you find something that interests you, you can go for it with all the confidence and sass that it takes.
Being a slut is like being a small business owner, you set your own hours and you get to decide what products and services are offered when and to whom. Popular belief thinks that sluts are silly and reckless sexual beings. While it might look that way from the outside, what’s actually happening is the product of self respect and empowerment.
So get yourself to the nearest Planned Parenthood, pick out the newest designer birth control method and go out into the world, you beautiful future slut, you! And, of course, be safe!
Hey, so local bands are usually pret-ty lame, but not this one Red Light Cameras are arguably Albuquerque’s best local band. They have so much spunk. This is their new music video. I’m in snips and snaps of it, so give it a watch and a little listen.
You can find them here: https://www.facebook.com/redlightcamerasband
From having her mother as one of the only audience members in her latest special, Maria Bamford will now be playing her mother in an open Q&A web series for My Damn Channel. You can submit questions and Maria as Marilyn Bamford will give you her honest answer, which we can’t wait for as absurd and funny as it’ll be.
It starts next week May 30th, but there’s a little teaser at the link.
So excited for this!
Hey guys*: Listen, I know you’re mad at me. I mean, maybe not me specifically, but a figurative “me”âthe type of woman who thinks she’s funny, who thinks she understands comedy, who has opinions (and shares them) about what kinds of jokes comics “should” or “should not” tell.
And I want to try and convey to you, broadly, how you are hurting women and hurting your own art form, and how easy it would be to stop. Because right now you’re coming across like a bunch of entitled babies terrified of a few girls in your clubhouse—demanding that women be thick-skinned about their own rapes while you’re too thin-skinned to handle even mild criticism. It’s embarrassing.